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Archive for May, 2007

I thought global warming was supposed to turn us all into fried bacon. So why am I freezing my ass off in Illinois on May 25th? I call bullcrap on this weather. I should be outside right now, enjoying the heat and smoking a fine cigar. Instead I’m sitting in my little room and bitching about how goddamn cold it is.

MF

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Asshat

There once was a man from Cass
Who’s head was a hat for his ass.
When he went to the bar,
the girls near and far
said “thanks, but no thanks, I’ll pass.”

MF

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Ok. Somebody needs to tell me what the deal is with guys who wear tights when they ride a bicycle. Every morning when I go into work at my summer job, I have to see one of my fuckwad coworkers come waltzing in wearing his “riding outfit,” which consists of skin-tight black stretch pants and a tight red stretch shirt that even David Lee Roth wouldn’t be caught dead in. This idiot looks like he should be working the PBR tent at the renaissance festival, and he has the nerve to act smug about it? When I asked him why he comes in here every day looking like a community theater reject he said “You need the tight pants because they have padding in the seat.”

Look pal, you already have too much padding in your fat ass. That’s why you need exercise, dickbag! But that doesn’t mean that you have to dress like a demented circus clown on a three-day bender. I ride all the time. I have a freakin sweet Kline roadbike with clipless pedals and all that cool shit. But I wear normal clothes like a normal human being, and so should you. Go fuck yourself!

MF

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So I’ve been sitting around the house feeling all depressed and sorry for myself. I won’t burden you with the intimate details of my problems (receding hairline, no money, my abject inability to attract women etc.)

I got tired of playing “Always Something There to Remind Me” on my itunes. So, I figured I would record my own version. Here it is. Enjoy. You all know the words, so sing along!

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Here is something that pisses me off: I’m trying to support the blogging community by clicking on the ‘next blog’ button and reading whatever comes up. Suddenly I come across a blog that starts blaring shitty music out of my speakers…. My Freakin Speakers!

Now I know that you want to share your favorite band with the world. This is understandable. But I have a big problem with websites that automatically play music when you load them, and my problem is this:

I am not a loser. I work hard for a living, and that means that, unlike you, I have a nice stereo. So when I sit down with a box of wine and my laptop to surf the blogs, I’m already listening to music, asshole!! I don’t fucking want to hear yours.

Listen to me, people: Nothing says “I’m a complete fucktard” like setting your webpage to auto-play your shit music. So don’t do it.

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Every blog needs to have a muse, a beautiful woman who inspires one’s thoughts. So…DAT DA DA DA. Meet the official muse of il Compendium:


You guessed it. It’s Erin Esurance, the talented, and beautiful, animated spokeswoman for Esurance. I don’t even know what esurance is. I think it’s like car insurance or something. All I know is that whenever this pink-haired personification of pure beauty comes on the television, I feel…uh…shall we say inspired? I think we shall.

Now I’m not some kind of slouch. I mean, I’ve “known” a few women in my day and sure, each one was special. But Miss Esurance is so much more than just a woman. She is an inspiration. My beautiful Erin is the platonic ideal toward which all women strive.

She is undoubtedly possessed of all the greatest physical virtues: a charming and mischievous smile, a graceful- almost feline- figure, and sultry catlike eyes that can see into a man’s soul. On top of all this, she has a job.

What more could a man ask for?

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Hello everyone. Looks like it’s time to dip into the mail bag once again and see what people have to say. Here is an interesting letter I recieved earlier this week.

Dear Il Compendium. You seem to know a lot about love, so I hope you can answer my question. I have been trying to get a girlfriend for a long time now. I am thoughtful and romantic but I have been turned down by the last ten women I have tried to go out with. Why do you think that could be?

Well…Maybe you’re an asshole. Be sure to sing along now.

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