I get a lot of email here at the Lover’s Compendium. Mostly they are from people who are having trouble in their love life. They can tell from reading the blog that I am highly experienced and have a “down to earth attitude”. Here is a recent email that I recieved:
Why can’t I get a woman of my own? I know that I am a caring and thoughtful person. I am always very nice to women and I try to show them what a good boyfriend I would make. Like yourself, I am a lover of literature and I like to write poetry (although I don’t burden other people with my mediocre poems the way you do). Through my reading of literature I have learned so much about humanity that I can really love a woman more than the guys they always seem to go out with. What gives?”
Well, Charlie. The answer to your question is simple: Love is like literature, but dating is like mathematics. Essentially, dating is a numbers game. Think of it this way If a guy gets on a train in Chicago that is going to New Hampshire at a rate of sixty-five miles per hour, and the train makes five stops of thirteen minutes each, how many dates will he have by the time he gets to New-Hampshire? If he is a math-oriented person (in other words, if he is a pencil-necked little bastard) he will have a large number of dates. This is because he is going to hit on every female in the train and the law of averages says that he is bound to attract at least a couple.
If, on the other hand, there is an English major on the train, he will probably not get very many dates because he will sit in the pullman car and drink highballs while he watches the math guy make an ass out of himself. The English major will think that no woman would fall for somebody like that stupid math guy. But wait, oops, when the train gets to New Hampshire the math guy has a lovely lady on each arm and the Literature guy is forced to walk slowly away, under the lonely light of a row of street-lamps (y’know, like Jimmy Durante in that movie).
Sorry Charlie. You may have a lot of love to give, but because you didn’t pay attention in math class, the woman of your dreams is probably going to end up with some left-brained dude who wears T-shirts with outdated products on them to make “a statement”. He will beat you because he had the foresight to play as many numbers as he could. It’s sad, but maybe if you watch the Sunday sing-along you will feel better. Be sure to sing along.